hello my name is Denis I am 19 years old I love drugs and I'm diagnosed as schizophrenic
2 years ago I researched more about spirituality and went on my spritual path((not because of my spiritual path I am schizophrenic I know people who don't have any problems maybe it's just my faith)
this made me learn a lot but I m getting lazier and lazier and it's not because of the spirituality is because I m kind of an idiot.
It's not really laziness it's something like I do something that I love to do then something happens and to do again the thing I love to do how I was doing before the problem I have to fix the problem when I try to fix the problem if I can't do it so easy I just say "oh I m going to let it for later" sometimes I think about doing it and say meh I don't want to deal too hard with the problem now and sometimes I try and it's hard(as it was) and quit again, and with time passing I maybe forget about it and if vaguely remember about it I just skip it again.
Ok enough about my laziness this is not my only problem another one woudl be that I think too much sometimes like lots of layers of overthinking, I m literally being real and trying to be always present in the moment and in the reality not talking with people about what really happens to me(now it's not really what happens to me and most of the things are also known by my friends/family etc with some exceptions that I will say because I'm tired of what's happening to me and want to talk about it, EDIT from before posting: I talked about it and then removed it because I thought you will judge me).
Some things that I discovered when I was high kept following me when I was sober this started happening the 2 summers ago(2019 summer) when strange thing happened to me while I was high on weed and I still fight with this idk. I have hallucinations, it's been more then a year since I m fighthing so I can't just talk about everything that's happened but it's just that it doesn't leave me alone, I just want my personal space back. Even now as an artist I love would say "this album I wrote it with headaches to the limit". I can't play anymore or do things as before because of what's happening and not talking and shits as before and having strage movement and shit but in my mind everything is ok like I keep tracking of how the perfect thing would be(I mean It's like I m not doing the right thing but my mind doesn't react/gets influenced to/by that it's like I would do the right thing I mean the way I would want to happen not what's happening because of my mental health and I really know what I want to do I m not going realy crazy like I keep the crazyness out of my sanity idk how to explain it bro it's like I need to make new words for the actions that are happening to me it's like I m fucking living in another world )
My family is very down because of what's happening to me, my mother is trying to help me with everything she can. My father lost a lot of weight because of sadness and working a lot. My sister is also trying to help me but I m not talking to much to her idk why. My pills are also very expensive and we are not rich. I mean I'm not really poor either(because my grandma is also helping me and my sister is already on her money, I was too since 15 years old until my mental problems), I have a macbook 2018 air for programming(I am at college second year at Informatics I mean programming), an Iphone 11 and apple watch 5, medium to high pc and none of them were "illegal" achieved(refund,se). just to give you a hint about the fact that I m not rich but not poor either oh yea and the most important thing it's that I m living in a 3rd world country(300$ minimum wage). Right now my parents are not really great with money because they want to build a house from 0(selling my current appartment) and my mother lost she's job last winter so she doesn't give me any more money like more then 20$ since then. It's very hard for me to have a job because I can't move fast as before and can't concentrate as before.
I have more to say and I will probably edit this topic the next time I feel I want to.
oh yea I m on this forum since 4 years ago or so but I had a leecher account and wanted to make a fresh start.
Edited by wavey01, 17 October 2020 - 10:39 PM.