How do I live through so much pain and suffering every day?

[DirtbikeLB]

I literally don't know how I've lived though so much pain and suffering.
I live with a single mother who tries her best to support me and help me succeed in life but I grew up in a bad area and the past always catches up to me.
Even though we were poor my mom moved me and my sister into a nicer area in the countryside where there is 0 crime and sent me to one of the best college.
She could barely afford to pay the rent and had to work extra hours and at one point she was working 2 jobs.
The dark side in me got mixed up with the wrong kids at college. I was skipping class and getting into trouble all the time but back then I didn't know better.

I got addicted to smoking cigarettes because I thought it was cool at the time, One day my mom came home from a night shift and the house stunk of smoke (I can't remember how as it was long ago). Obviously she was tired and coming home from a hard days work she was pissed off. This is where it all started.... She told me to pack my shit and leave. I didn't know what to do and I just went to my room. She was very serious and kept telling me to go, so I left. This was 8AM in the morning and I was only 16 Years old at the time. I didn't know what to do so I just rang all my friends to see what they were doing and if they wanted to hang out. That night I slept at my friends and he felt sorry for me so he let me stay at his house for a couple nights (He didn't even ask his parents and they didn't want me there at all). I just felt so lost because his parents didn't want me there (I could tell by the way they look at me and approach me) but they didn't want to be inhumane and let me sleep on the streets by myself. Whilst living there for a few weeks some days I would go to sleep hungry without having food to eat that day and I had to sleep on an uncomfortable;e couch and get woken up early in the morning because my friends brother and sisters are getting ready for school. I would just get stoned everyday and do nothing at all, but I was 16 at the time and didn't know what I could've done. I tried looking for jobs but it was a busy city and not a lot of jobs going around and most jobs require you to be 18 and I got told by a lot of places that they don't want me working there because I was 16 and had to be supervised at all  time If I was to work anywhere. Worst come to worst my best friend who I was living with got kicked out also because he shouted at his little brother. We ended up living on the streets for a couple days but luckily he had family who gave us money (I'm originally from Thailand and had no family at all but my mom and little sister). I remember the worst night for us was both of us met 2 girls and we hung out until 3-4 AM at the park because we had nowhere to go. When the girls had to go home one of the girls felt so sorry for us she gave us £5 to get some food. We went to the mall and got some McDonalds. We were so tired because we had to sleep and kept falling asleep in Mcdonalds and we stayed there for 1-2 hours before we got kicked out. We then sat outside an arcade and I remember it being such a cold morning and I was shaking so bad and kept falling asleep for about 2 minutes and waking up again and again because it was so cold and we were scared of the security guards. That day we got lucky!. We went to visit my friends auntie and she took us in and let us live in the basement. My friend got assisting a guy whos in construction and a few weeks later I also got a job working with my friends uncle building motor homes. I got really close to my friends uncle and he was like a farther to me (I've never had a dad or seen my dad before). We work together and see together 24/7 and he always tell people that I was his son.

As my life was turning around one day I was sat on xbox and I could hear shouting downstairs, It's a house full of kids and my friends cousin lives there too and she was loud af and so was my friend so it was just like a normal day. But something in me knew something was wrong so I took my headset off and listened and paused for a few seconds and ran down stairs, My friends uncle who I was so closed to was laid on the floor and my friends cousin who was a nurse was giving him CPR. That was one of the worse day of my life because I lost someone who was like a farther to me and I've never been so close to anyone like him before. Sadly he passed away from a heart disease that day, It was a genetically passed on heart disease which was left untreated for too long. Nobody knew he had it and not even himself as he seemed to be such a healthy person at the time. What makes me so sad about it even more is the fact that I hardly seen him that day because he had just received a pay raise from the boss and he did extra shifts at work that day too. From that day I could say I was so traumatized as I saw everything happens when he passed away and I was so close to him. I stopped going out with friends and started smoking a lot of weed again ( I had previously stop to make him proud). I kept taking days off to the point where the boss stopped paying me to punish me. But I just left the job. After I left the job all I did was went to smoke weed again everyday and do nothing. My friends auntie wanted me to leave her house because I wasn't paying rent and costing them money to keep me there. Also my best friend had just lost  his uncle so he was going though the same shit as me but worse. He drank and got high everyday and quit his job too. That day I could say I lost my best friend to the streets. I didn't feel comfortable living at his auntie and barely spoke a word to them even though am always with them for most the day and knew them quite well. I barely ate too because I developed some bad anxiety and my body would feel like am heating up every time I spoke to someone or if they even look at me. The only person I was comfortable around was my best friend and that was it. I felt so depressed and found it really hard to sleep so I would be up until 4-5 in the morning every night. I can't remember how but my I met up with my mum again and she took me back in, She didn't recognize me at all because my behavior changed dramatically. I went from a sociable kid who never shut his mouth to barely speaking a word and looked depressed all the time. It was at that time my mom took me to doctors and I was diagnosed with PTSD. I haven't spoken to my friends auntie who had looked after me for so long ever since I left her house when my mom came to pick me up. I think it's because every time I think about her just brings back bad memories. I feel so bad but my PTSD got the better of me and we lost contact. I barely speak to my best-friend too because he has smoked so much drugs over the years and has lost his head. Last time I went to visit him he was punching and kicking everything in his house because he had no drugs.... He hold me he was in so much debt and had a job but quite the 1st week. As harsh as it is but I don't want to be around someone like that anymore when am trying to build my life back up. When life was getting better for me back in 2019 I had sad new from my family in Thailand. My uncle who had just finished studying intelligence in the army (They say he was the best in the class) was killed due to a hit and run while shopping at the market for food to feed the monks. It just makes me fucking sad how someone who is trying to do good deed gets killed by some fucking scum in a hit and run. I live with a single mother who can barely feed her 2 children so I couldn't even go to his funeral which destroyed me. I thought this year would be a better year for me but no. This world fucks me over because my brother got diagnosed with HIV at the start of 2020. To make it worse back in April he was also diagnosed with lung cancer. I pray and fucking pray he gets better but we all know the chances are low. Am going to be the only male left in our bloodline and I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm currently studying Electrics at college but I can't even focus or remember anything I get taught in class because of all the drugs i've fucking smoked since I was 13 and am 19 Years old. When college first started I was clean from drugs because I had so much support from my mum and the dark side in me though it would be fun to start smoking weed again. Again I skipped a lot of classes in college and I don't think am going to pass my course at college. Yes I should know better and learn from my mistakes but my life I've lived though pain and when I think about the past it destroys me and smoking weed makes everything better. Am just stuck in a cycle of pain and don't know what tf to do.

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[rond]

yes, life = pain

[DirtbikeLB]

yes, life = pain

I'm even surprised how I live through it. Some say am mentally strong.

[MoFrm2W]

how are you now

[bigbaz2a]

I literally don't know how I've lived though so much pain and suffering.
I live with a single mother who tries her best to support me and help me succeed in life but I grew up in a bad area and the past always catches up to me.
Even though we were poor my mom moved me and my sister into a nicer area in the countryside where there is 0 crime and sent me to one of the best college.
She could barely afford to pay the rent and had to work extra hours and at one point she was working 2 jobs.
The dark side in me got mixed up with the wrong kids at college. I was skipping class and getting into trouble all the time but back then I didn't know better.

I got addicted to smoking cigarettes because I thought it was cool at the time, One day my mom came home from a night shift and the house stunk of smoke (I can't remember how as it was long ago). Obviously she was tired and coming home from a hard days work she was pissed off. This is where it all started.... She told me to pack my shit and leave. I didn't know what to do and I just went to my room. She was very serious and kept telling me to go, so I left. This was 8AM in the morning and I was only 16 Years old at the time. I didn't know what to do so I just rang all my friends to see what they were doing and if they wanted to hang out. That night I slept at my friends and he felt sorry for me so he let me stay at his house for a couple nights (He didn't even ask his parents and they didn't want me there at all). I just felt so lost because his parents didn't want me there (I could tell by the way they look at me and approach me) but they didn't want to be inhumane and let me sleep on the streets by myself. Whilst living there for a few weeks some days I would go to sleep hungry without having food to eat that day and I had to sleep on an uncomfortable;e couch and get woken up early in the morning because my friends brother and sisters are getting ready for school. I would just get stoned everyday and do nothing at all, but I was 16 at the time and didn't know what I could've done. I tried looking for jobs but it was a busy city and not a lot of jobs going around and most jobs require you to be 18 and I got told by a lot of places that they don't want me working there because I was 16 and had to be supervised at all  time If I was to work anywhere. Worst come to worst my best friend who I was living with got kicked out also because he shouted at his little brother. We ended up living on the streets for a couple days but luckily he had family who gave us money (I'm originally from Thailand and had no family at all but my mom and little sister). I remember the worst night for us was both of us met 2 girls and we hung out until 3-4 AM at the park because we had nowhere to go. When the girls had to go home one of the girls felt so sorry for us she gave us £5 to get some food. We went to the mall and got some McDonalds. We were so tired because we had to sleep and kept falling asleep in Mcdonalds and we stayed there for 1-2 hours before we got kicked out. We then sat outside an arcade and I remember it being such a cold morning and I was shaking so bad and kept falling asleep for about 2 minutes and waking up again and again because it was so cold and we were scared of the security guards. That day we got lucky!. We went to visit my friends auntie and she took us in and let us live in the basement. My friend got assisting a guy whos in construction and a few weeks later I also got a job working with my friends uncle building motor homes. I got really close to my friends uncle and he was like a farther to me (I've never had a dad or seen my dad before). We work together and see together 24/7 and he always tell people that I was his son.

As my life was turning around one day I was sat on xbox and I could hear shouting downstairs, It's a house full of kids and my friends cousin lives there too and she was loud af and so was my friend so it was just like a normal day. But something in me knew something was wrong so I took my headset off and listened and paused for a few seconds and ran down stairs, My friends uncle who I was so closed to was laid on the floor and my friends cousin who was a nurse was giving him CPR. That was one of the worse day of my life because I lost someone who was like a farther to me and I've never been so close to anyone like him before. Sadly he passed away from a heart disease that day, It was a genetically passed on heart disease which was left untreated for too long. Nobody knew he had it and not even himself as he seemed to be such a healthy person at the time. What makes me so sad about it even more is the fact that I hardly seen him that day because he had just received a pay raise from the boss and he did extra shifts at work that day too. From that day I could say I was so traumatized as I saw everything happens when he passed away and I was so close to him. I stopped going out with friends and started smoking a lot of weed again ( I had previously stop to make him proud). I kept taking days off to the point where the boss stopped paying me to punish me. But I just left the job. After I left the job all I did was went to smoke weed again everyday and do nothing. My friends auntie wanted me to leave her house because I wasn't paying rent and costing them money to keep me there. Also my best friend had just lost  his uncle so he was going though the same shit as me but worse. He drank and got high everyday and quit his job too. That day I could say I lost my best friend to the streets. I didn't feel comfortable living at his auntie and barely spoke a word to them even though am always with them for most the day and knew them quite well. I barely ate too because I developed some bad anxiety and my body would feel like am heating up every time I spoke to someone or if they even look at me. The only person I was comfortable around was my best friend and that was it. I felt so depressed and found it really hard to sleep so I would be up until 4-5 in the morning every night. I can't remember how but my I met up with my mum again and she took me back in, She didn't recognize me at all because my behavior changed dramatically. I went from a sociable kid who never shut his mouth to barely speaking a word and looked depressed all the time. It was at that time my mom took me to doctors and I was diagnosed with PTSD. I haven't spoken to my friends auntie who had looked after me for so long ever since I left her house when my mom came to pick me up. I think it's because every time I think about her just brings back bad memories. I feel so bad but my PTSD got the better of me and we lost contact. I barely speak to my best-friend too because he has smoked so much drugs over the years and has lost his head. Last time I went to visit him he was punching and kicking everything in his house because he had no drugs.... He hold me he was in so much debt and had a job but quite the 1st week. As harsh as it is but I don't want to be around someone like that anymore when am trying to build my life back up. When life was getting better for me back in 2019 I had sad new from my family in Thailand. My uncle who had just finished studying intelligence in the army (They say he was the best in the class) was killed due to a hit and run while shopping at the market for food to feed the monks. It just makes me fucking sad how someone who is trying to do good deed gets killed by some fucking scum in a hit and run. I live with a single mother who can barely feed her 2 children so I couldn't even go to his funeral which destroyed me. I thought this year would be a better year for me but no. This world fucks me over because my brother got diagnosed with HIV at the start of 2020. To make it worse back in April he was also diagnosed with lung cancer. I pray and fucking pray he gets better but we all know the chances are low. Am going to be the only male left in our bloodline and I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm currently studying Electrics at college but I can't even focus or remember anything I get taught in class because of all the drugs i've fucking smoked since I was 13 and am 19 Years old. When college first started I was clean from drugs because I had so much support from my mum and the dark side in me though it would be fun to start smoking weed again. Again I skipped a lot of classes in college and I don't think am going to pass my course at college. Yes I should know better and learn from my mistakes but my life I've lived though pain and when I think about the past it destroys me and smoking weed makes everything better. Am just stuck in a cycle of pain and don't know what tf to do.

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keep fighting through each day, I know it may seem hardest thing possible at moment but you got this bro

if the idea of takin on a day is overwhelming, then compartmentalise, look half a day a head, or an hour a head

even if u step an inch a day, after a while you will have walked a mile

[evilandsatan]

nice xd

[Schaapie01]

thata a lot to read

[Restraint]

I read it all, your life has been hard bro. Mine has been similar too.

 

But youre still so young dude youre fkin 19 lol. You really need to quit smoking weed, that shit isn't good for you especially cus your brain still developing. And that's the reason why you can't remember anything at school. Pay more attention and quit the ganja and soon you will see there is a change. I also struggle with weed and coming back to it always is a mistake, I told myself 1 year ago I'm quitting forever, last month I buy some because 'fk it it cant be that bad' but dude I dont need that shit rn. Maybe when youre older and have a good job that pays really good $money$ and a career you have time to do this but right now I'd stop 100%